RESPECT: A Required Ingredient for Influence
Two critical elements to any relationship are trust and respect. Respect must be modeled as well as taught! So, in the interactions that we have with our kids, and in my case grandkids, we need to model and teach respect. This is something that does not seem to be emphasized in today’s parenting.
Dr. Dobson explains that there is a window of opportunity for parents to teach their children to be led and to trust their parental leadership, but that this window will close sometime during the preschool years—after which point the task will become markedly more difficult.
Developing respect for the parents is the critical factor in child management. It is most important that a child respect his parents, not for the purpose of satisfying their egos, but because the child's relationship with his parents provides the basis for his attitude toward all other people. His view of parental authority becomes the cornerstone of his later outlook on school authority, police and law, the people with whom he will eventually live and work, and for society in general. (More from Dr. Dobson, go to DrJamesDobson.org)
Two phrases can help you to teach respect: “Excuse me” and “Nevertheless”. First, “Excuse me!” Webster defines it as: used as a polite way of trying to get someone attention. You must show/teach respect, if you are going to demand respect. When a child responds to you in a way that is disrespectful; in the tone of their voice, in the words they use or their disobedience, you simply state in a slightly elevated and surprised voice; “Excuse Me!” When you say excuse me, the child knows that they have crossed a line. And the rule is that you give them one more chance to rethink what they just said or did and then come back to you in a respectful way. If they choose to not change their behavior or their words, then punishment immediately follows. They go to a timeout, or they go to their room and think about it. And then you, after the situation has de-escalated, go to the child and help them understand that you love them unconditionally - but some of their behavior is unacceptable. Remind them that they are commanded by God to honor their mother and father (Eph 6:1). And, the kind of behavior that they just showed was not honoring nor was it respectful. Talk through what it might look like the next time. And then, begin again.
Next, David and Patty Bunker in their book PG Parental Guidance write that the word “Nevertheless” or “Regardless” can act as a shield that sets a boundary and can deflect an argument. They have identified three critical steps:
1- You give your child a direction. For example, “Matt it's time to go to bed now.”
2 - Your child begins to argue. He might say, “ but I went to bed early last night,” or “my TV show is almost over.”
3- You respond with a shield direction: “Nevertheless, I need you to go to bed now.” Whatever the child says, you simply respond with either “Nevertheless or Regardless” and then repeat your instruction firmly - but calmly.
Here's an important tip to understand; do not add anything to your instruction. These words will help you deliver instructions without the word “why.” For, an instruction with reasons invites discussion. A brief instruction (without a reason) invites action!
Try these approaches and see if you can model and teach respect in the home to set your children up to respect authority outside the home. Respect is the key element in a relationship that allows you to influence the relationship – if you lose respect- you lose the ability to influence as a parent!!!